Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.
[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you: he really is an idiot.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.
There’s only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
I’d like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they’re working on now.
Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.
When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’
What have future generations ever done for us?
I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.
While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
My brother thinks he’s a chicken-We don’t talk him out of it because we need the eggs
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana