J. B. Smoove Quotes

I don’t consider myself a stand-up comedian. I consider myself a performer; a comic as opposed to stand-up comedian. Stand-up comedians stand there and do their bits; I break every rule in creation. If there’s a rule that can be broken in stand-up, I’ll do it.

Sometimes you got to put somebody in their place, let them know that you mean business and you’re a grown ass man.

You’re trying to make someone wet their pants and you’re trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That’s the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That’s when you’re happiest.

Sad when you spend more time trying to stay alive than living.

Comedians are therapists. People honestly think we’re doing it for ourselves. No. If we wanted to do stand-up for ourselves, we would perform in front of a mirror and never go to a club. We are giving this away. Some people are going through so much in their lives, they want to hear something else that’s going on in the world and laugh.

Father’s Day just be Mother’s Day the sequel.

Women put guys through tests all the time.

You buy a new iPhone, a few months later, another new iPhone comes out, and you get online to buy another one. You can’t get enough. You are addicted to Apple.

I’m, like, everybody’s friend. I’m one of those dudes. I can be friends with anybody. Any race of person, any personality, I can kind of deal with them. I accept different types of people.

I have my website, The Ruckus, which is an Internet site, similar to the Funny or Die format, where people post funny videos. I get a chance to rate their videos; they get a chance to blog and kick it with me.

Before I got into stand-up, I used to be a hip-hop dancer in a crew, and my name was J. Smoove, and my partner was J. Groove.

Let me tell about Tennessee. If your car breaks down in Tennessee, you have just moved to Tennessee.

I live in New York right now but I’m originally from my daddy’s nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones – we made it. You all are winners. That’s the first race you ever won.

In my stand-up, I’ve always been loose. If there’s a curtain onstage, I’ll use that in my act. If there’s a door, I’ll use the door. I always like to use everything at my disposal, which makes each show a little different and a little more fun.

You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.

If your boss asks you why you’re comin’ in late, you say it’s ’cause you stayed late.

I’m on my version of the protein diet, but there ain’t no protein in it. It’s a Krispy Kreme doughnut between two Cinnabons. And you soak it overnight in Red Bull. Then you chase it with a Snickers.

True Yankees fans know an up-and-coming player when they see one.

When you’re on stage performing stand-up, things only happen one time. I’ve done bits where I improv a joke, and people are dying. The next show, I try to repeat it, I can’t do it. Because with the first audience that was our moment. It can’t happen the same way again. We were all there: a certain type of people were at that show and we all got it.

The ruckus is different experiences you go through throughout your life which builds your ruckus points up – your tolerance. You’ve got to have a high tolerance for dealing with stuff all the time.

You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don’t you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can’t they make a phone out of Tupperware?

There’s book smart, there is street smart, there’s relationship smart, there’s too many different kinds of smarts to know all of them. Everybody doesn’t know every kind of smart. There’s money smart, there’s movie smart, there’s computer smart. There’s just too many different kinds of smarts for people to know all the smarts.

I wouldn’t want to be someone’s roommate, that’s for sure. You can’t do certain things, you can’t leave the bathroom door open…you can’t put your feet on the couch, you can’t hide stuff in the couch.