Joan Rivers Quotes

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. YOU get better.

I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’

If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

Marriage isn’t a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call ‘the wise bamboo,’ which means you bend so you don’t break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client.

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.

If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others