The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.
Middle-age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; Whenever you’re right, shut up.
If called by a panther, don’t anther.
Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.
Humor is the best means of surviving in a difficult world.
Among other things I think humor is a shield, a weapon, a survival kit. So here we are several billion of us, crowded into our global concentration camp for the duration. How are we to survive? Solemnity is not the answer, any more than witless and irresponsible frivolity is. I think our best chance lies in humor, which in this case means a wry acceptance of our predicament. We don’t have to like it but we can at least recognize its ridiculous aspects, one of which is ourselves.
God in His wisdom made the fly And then forgot to tell us why.
I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
Wind is caused by the trees waving their branches.
I believe that people believe what they believe they believe.
Too much Chablis can make you whablis.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
Here’s a good rule of thumb; too clever is dumb.
Time is like the ocean, always there, always different.
Some primal termite knocked on wood.
And tasted it, and found it good.
And that is why your Cousin May
Fell through the parlor floor today.
Indeed, everybody wants to be a wow, But not everybody knows exactly how.
So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat
Over everything debatable and combatable
Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life
Particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
Develops the jaw
If you don’t want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work.
There has been a lot of progress during my lifetime, but I’m afraid it’s heading in the wrong direction.
The truth I do not stretch or shove
When I state the dog is full of love.
I’ve also proved, by actual test,
A wet dog is the lovingest.
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,
I’ll never see a tree at all.
Time is so old and love so brief, love is pure gold and time a thief. We’re late, darling, we’re late, The curtain descends, everything ends, too soon, too soon.
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.