W. C. Fields Quotes

You can fool some of the people some of the time — and that’s enough to make a decent living.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I only drink to steady my nerves… sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.