I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name — and you’ve never been to that bar before.
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.
Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, “Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery.” I don’t know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you’ll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you’ll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.
I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.
You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
If you read my blog, you know I’m a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?
Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There’s just too much money.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
My New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘You go, girl’ to myself.
My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn’t laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.
The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says “Forever.”
I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: ‘Bullshit!’
I don’t really have a pattern yet. I don’t know if I’ll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don’t have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.
It’s not good for comedy to be like, ‘Thanks for liking me’. Being popular is poison.
I think those neighborhood signs that say ‘slow children playing’ are mean.
I have to stop crying when I watch “The View”. It’s not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.
I like dark comedies. That’s why I like the Wayans Brothers.
Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That’s So Raven?
I’ve always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.
When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria – not necessarily by choice – but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren’t there.
