Zach Braff Quotes

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn’t about white people.

Sometimes you just gotta use what God gave you to the best of your abilities.

It blows my mind that there are people out there who deny the holocaust. Why would you ever deny such a great achievement. It’s like denying the cure for polio or something.

Oh sure, I have a few black people in my family tree. They’re probably still hanging there.

I don’t mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

First I took a crap on the hooker’s chest, then I told her I’d pay her a thousand dollars to eat it. She was addicted to crack, so of course she did it. It was so gross, though, it made her throw up, so I said I’d pay her another thousand to lick all that up, too. She started to, but for some reason she started crying as she was doing it, saying, ‘I went to college! I have a degree!’ Oh man, it was hilarious. I don’t know if it was technically sex because I just beat off on her face, but definitely one of my most intense orgasms.

It’s not that I think the Nazis were right, or anything. It’s just that, we weren’t there, we don’t know.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that’s where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

It’s not that I’m racist or anything, because I’m not, but I just don’t think we should be wasting our time helping people that are going to die soon anyway.

I never taught a blind/deaf chick to read, but somehow I’ve managed to turn Scrubs into a watchable show. That may not sound like much, but take a look at my surrounding cast and ask yourself, who’s the real miracle worker?

I really don’t give a care, I’m going to live for ever

I think there are bound to be obstacles in any path to success. I mean, I’m Jewish, and there’s nothing I can do about that. Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I got over it and did something with my life.

A lot of people say colonialism was ‘evil’ or whatever, but what have they really done with Africa since we gave it back to them? I don’t think it should be considered ‘racist’ to admit maybe ending apartheid did more harm than good in South Africa.

As a kid who wasn’t into sports, at school I felt almost alienated at times, whereas in the theatre community there was this amazing sense of camaraderie. Early on, we would go to rehearsals with my dad and I was like the mascot for the backstage crew. That was a big part of my childhood, so I dreamed of one day doing a play in London.

I stand stark naked in front of the mirror and gaze directly into my own eyes. I utter ‘Good morning, handsome’ and my lips quiver as I stare at myown body. I don’t break eye contact until I blow my load. Not once do I actually touch myself.

I remember once I went to go see a movie, and in front of me in line there was a little boy who looked so eager to see it, like it was Christmas morning. When he got to the ticket booth it turned out there was only one ticket left; the manager was there and wanted to give it to me instead since I was famous. That’s when I knew I’d hit it big.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

Put God and me in a cage, what do you think who will win. God, because I created him.

At first, I didn’t really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter

Every time I see a child walking down the street I like to trip them. While they look for their missing teeth, I personally remind them that no matter how hard they try I will always be better than them.

I don’t know why people were so upset with me. Prince got his own symbol. I just wanted to adopt the handicap symbol as my own so I could park in handicap spots. Deformed people should be honored to park so close to me. Meeting a celebrity like me may give them hope in their mistake of a life.

Of course killing people is ‘wrong’, but I think history shows that sometimes it serves the greater good.

Minutes to learn, a lifetime to master. People just don’t understand that

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.